We went to the beach tonight for dinner (hot dogs and salad), and I had a moment. I saw a group of four teenage girls on the swings next to my kids, perfectly dressed and made up and taking selfies, with the beautiful backdrop of the ocean behind them. Three thoughts went through my mind: 1) I’m old. My selfies are all with my kids now; 2) I’m not dressed like that—like ever, but definitely not tonight (as I look down at my leggings and the sweatshirt that probably should’ve been washed, not worn, hair in a messy ponytail); and 3) I wouldn’t trade my life now for anything (while I’m lugging Luke’s seashells and catching my kids at the bottom of the slide, still with the beautiful backdrop behind me and feet in the sand).
And I also realized today if someone were to take a look at this blog, they’d see the most recent entry, which is a series of “why” questions from the depths of my pain. So I wanted to write an update, to note the story didn’t stop with the pain.
Life is good. It’s sweet, simple, hard, busy, exhausting, fun. But it’s good. We hit a year of living in Santa Maria on New Year’s Eve. 2018 was probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had. Yet, in many ways it was a growing year. Most of all, I’m thankful for God’s faithfulness. Thankful for his grace to endure the good and the bad, the times I’ve succeeded and the times I’ve failed. I have so many things I’m thankful for—my husband and kids, family living near me (both sides of our family now!), friends—new and old, fun trips, a beautiful place to explore and live, and a fantastic holiday season. But I’m reminded circumstances change, and I need to have faith in God, even when I don’t see things unfold the way I plan. He’s faithful. He always has been, always will be.
As we enter into 2019, I don’t have a word of the year. I don’t really have New Year’s Resolutions. I have goals and plans, dreams and hopes. I’ve been writing fiction again, and loving the life-giving hobby, as well as running in the mornings. And I still don’t have answers for a lot of my “why” questions. The picture at the top of this blog is my real-life Thursday night photo. But I want to enjoy where God has us, trust him in the hard times, and be faithful in the day-to-day.